I'm just done reading "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. I am 47 years of age. Within me I know I am disorganised, and in a mess but on the outside, I try to appear composed and cheerful.
This book made me realize that I'm not alone in this world, at all. For almost forever this book keeps me companion, comforted, and help me to face my problems with alcohol. My abuse of liquor was not just "hereditary inclination" or me having no self control.....my utilization of liquor to comfort and maintain me originates from many issues throughout my life. Life was too harsh for me, specifically the part of growing up - I was unpopular at my age, my dad was a serial cheater, even my mother had low self esteem issue because she was overweight at that time, I got no one to look after me except myself. My life eventually made me an independent person.
Strangely, I took no alcohol in high school. My university days was a different scenario with students partying without inhibitions while the school attempts to portray its intellectual capability. My varsity days mark the commencement of my drinking habits and misdemeanour with the common negative outcomes notorious with severe alcohol use such as improper conducts, headaches, vomiting and loss of consciousness.
I discovered the only manner for a fat girl to have a sexual intercourse was to be drunk with equally as drunk boys.
I woke up one day, unclad sharing a bed with some guy in a frat house in Montreal..... I remember and it is indeed a miracle I didn't get severely wounded, hospitalised or in a detention cell for arrested drunks or pregnant.
Life moved on - I became a licensed nurse, got a masters degree and dated a lovely guy. We took wine on weekends when we were with each other and sometimes during the week I would buy myself a drink.
Time flew, and so did my life; I got married, had two kids and during the months preceding their birth I avoided alcohol. But then as life progressed on, aging parents, ADHD child, stressed out, compulsive husband with anger problems'..wine on weekends turned to being wine Thursday - Sunday.
We got too much cases of wine on our home because my husband got hooked on a local "brew-your-own"'. Often we drank a bottle or two wine at evening, it was our nightly ritual'. I secretly mixed my own cocktails and hide the glass in my baking cupboard so my husband won't find it
When I return home - and face the family mess, getting dinner, attempting to get ADHD kid to concentrate on homework while prying the other erratic of his iPod.....I can just consider blending that drink....which I continue refilling until in the long run I nod off or go out. The first thing I do when I woke up in the mornings is worrying whom I may have accidentally texted while drunk, I almost lost control over myself and this routine goes on and on.
But there is more - two years ago I became entangled in a very fierce emotional affair with one of my son's ally's father. Luckily although I was in a very intense emotional affair with him, it never got physical, maybe a few hugs or being close with him occasionally at sport events, maybe you know the feels because I felt it was romantic, very intense and impacted my life drastically, but still luckily it never got physical The beep of my phone which signifies the entry of a message always gave me that ecstatic sensation. Regularly, our phone conversation transpired for long durations and intermittently as well.
I felt really happy, happier that I had ever been. Soon the affair began to get intimate and suddenly out of the blues he ended it. I have been ravaged and mourning this loss'.and the drinking heightened.
My alcoholic beverage comforted me they alleviated the pain.
I feel so ashamed as I remember my past. The drunken episodes:
Being Completely hammered last Christmas at a cocktail party
Drunk at the golden jubilee celebration of a relative.
I randomly sent rant messages through my iPhone, I can't even control myself at that time.
Shouting fits in front of my children
Boxing my husband in the face
An aggregate yelling battle one night when my child had a companion dozing over
This is my recovery... having my self in counselling, reading Ann's book, discovering this website, find out people with similar stories and read theirs. I sense like I am heading home.